Gender Confessions and Musings

So once upon a time, when “nonbinary” was suddenly awakening into the online spaces I frequented, I didn’t believe in it. I thought it was nonsense. It was new and scary, and I didn’t know how to process it, much less pronoun things. I tried to ignore it and brush it off as a kid thing. I was getting older and bitter I suppose.

Sometime later, after being exposed to it more and more, I started giving it some thought. I started to embrace it, and even reflect on my own experiences with gender. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, and I still struggle with complex thoughts about myself.

I considered myself cis for a time but then realized that I had many agender-type feelings that I couldn’t describe. I flirted with genderfae and genderqueer breifly before I settled on demigirl/demifluid, but yet, it wasn’t quite right.

I found myself coming back into genderfae (which I use the alt term of genderdoe) but still sometimes questioning. I am getting label fatigue since it’s under the genderfluid umbrella and the nonbinary umbrella and there’s too much and I’m tired.

And now I’m questioning sekhet. As a kemetic practitioner, it works for me. But I got so cozy with genderdoe.

At this point I may need to sit back and self reflect.

I feel more feminine sometimes, but I slide into an agender state. I sometimes want to confuse folks or appear slightly more masculine. I don’t feel masculine but sometimes I want folks to see me as a femboy in a dress (my work uniform.)

I’m just so confused I can’t stand it.

This is the third time I dreamed I was attacked by a deer. This time it was by the doe I was hanging out with yesterday evening. I’m not quite sure what to think of this.